Mr. Chris Ericson, Assnt Principal at Lincoln School, eats a worm.

http://videos.siouxcityjournal.com/p/video?id=3494214

____________________________

A Husker Holiday Prayer

 

I believe in Tom, the AD almighty, 

restorer of Pride and Respect,  
and in Bo Pelini, his prodigal Coach, 

creator of the ’03 defensive swagger, 

brought first unto Lincoln by Frank Solich, 

suffered under Steve Pederson, 

was passed over, fired, and strode into the wilderness.

He descended into Oklahoma.

In the 3rd year of his righteous travels to LSU, 

he brought forth a National Championship and the AD almighty called for his return.

With Mary Pat and his children 
He ascended to Nebraska, 

and sits at the right hand of Tom, the AD almighty.

Hence he shall judge the offense and the defense, 

and shall not rest until he finds them worthy.

I believe in the pinnacle of college football, the University of Nebraska, 

the Blackshirts, the offense and the special teams.

The destruction of Clemson, 

the resurrection of the program, 

and the National Prominence Everlasting!!

Amen

________________________

I love watching football, so this definately isn’t me, but found it hillarious. 

Football finally makes sense.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.  They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.  After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.  ‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’  Dumbfounded, her date asked “What do you mean?”

‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!’ I’m like… Helloooooooo?  It’s only 25 cents. 

_________________________

The First Dance

 
__________________________
Jeff Dunham – Achmed the Dead Terrorist
 
 
 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

___________________________

A Small Truth To Make Life 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint…

What makes 100%?  What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?  Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.  How about achieving 103%?  What makes up 100% in life?  Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Hardwork = 98%

Knowledge = 96%

Love = 54%

Luck = 47%

Money = 72%

Leadership = 89%

Attitude = 100%  It is our attitude towards life and work that makes OUR life 100%!!!  ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.  Change your attitude and you change your life!

Bullshit = 103%

Asskissing = 118%

So, one can conclude (with mathematical certainty) that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get your there, it’s the Bullshit and the Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

_________________________

You know you gre up in the 80’s or early 90’s if:

  1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.
  2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
  3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton
  4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
  5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
  6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
  7. You know that “WOAH” came from Joey on Blossom.
  8. Two words:  Hammer Pants
  9. If you’ve ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
  10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
  11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales” (Woo ohh!)
  12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
  13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
  14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen.. and still know the turtles names.
  15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
  16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
  17. You played the game “MASH” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
  18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.
  19. L.A. Gear… need I say more.
  20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten.  (She’s Truly Outrageous.)
  21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona Books.
  22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
  23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
  24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.  (some of us… heat-to-toe)
  25. You can remember that Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
  26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
  27. You took lunch boxes to school… and traded Garage Pailkids in the schoolyard.
  28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
  29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence.
  30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
  31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
  32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
  33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
  34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
  35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
  36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
  37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
  38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
  39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
  40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
  41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
  42. You remember Popples.
  43. Don’t worry, be happy
  44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
  45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do.. getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family).
  46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one of your shoulder like you were all that.
  47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
  48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
  49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales
  50. You thought Doogie Howser or Samantha Micelli was hot.
  51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
  52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool… and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”.
  53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By the Bell,” The ORIGINAL class.
  54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi – SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
  55. You just sang those words to yourself.
  56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
  57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
  58. You remember when mullets were cool!
  59. You had a mullet!
  60. You still sing “We are the World”
  61. You tight rolled your jeans.
  62. You owned a banana clip.
  63. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
  64. You used to (and probably still do say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
  65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
  66. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!

_________________________

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.  (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before starves to death.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.  It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.  (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, or average, nine years longer than left-handed people.  (Sorry dad.)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish have no brains.

Polar bears are left-handed.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

_________________________

I am passing this on to you because it definately works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.  By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.  Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”  So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a bowl of M&M’s and a box of chocolates.  You have no idea how stinking good I feel.  Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace!

___________________________

The Virginia Anderson Phenomenon

http://www.news3online.com/index.php?code=55d1u873c46L62wyCTfY

_________________________

The Spoiled Under-30 Crowd!!

When I was a kid, adults used to go on and on about how hard things when they were growing up and having to walk 25 miles to school every morning…. uphill…. barefoot…. both way…. etc.

And I remember promising myself that wehn I grew up, there was no way I was going to tell my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!  But, now that I’m over the rip old age of 30, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today have got it so easy. 

  • When I was a kid we didn’t hav ethe Internet.   If we wanted something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves in the card catalogue.
  • When I was a kid, there was no e-mail.  We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!
  • There were no MP3 or Napsters.  If you wanted copy music, you had to wait around all day to take it off the radio and the DJ usually talked over the beginning of the song. 
  • We didn’t have fancy caller ID.  When the phone rang, you had no idea wo it was!  It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your coach, your grandparents, etc.  You ahd to pick it up and take your chances.
  • We had a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on TV.  There was no Cartoon Network either.  We had to get up on Saturday morning to get our week’s fix of cartoons.

_____________________

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from  Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0  and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which
operated flawlessly under  Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0  uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5  and    Personal Attention 6.5,  and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and  Housecleaning 2.6  simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running  Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,


Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

 

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0  is an operating system. Please enter command:  ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download  Tears 6.2,  and do not forget to install the  Guilt 3.0   update.

If those applications work as designed,  Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0  and  Flowers 3.5.   However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause  Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Happy Hour 7.0,   or Beer 6.1 .

Please note that Beer 6.1  is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.   Whatever you do,  DO NOT under any circumstances install    Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources .)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0    -program.  This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0   is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve
memory and performance. We recommend     you try  Cooking 3.0 and    HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

_______________

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen  her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.
 
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
 
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
 
Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.  ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,  and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
 
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
 
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
 
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
 
Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…..I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”
 
(NOW I ASK YOU – IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO  WOULDN’T ENJOY THIS STORY?

______________________

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0

__________________________

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